*Originally posted on January 4, 2020.

I was mad at God this week. 

I know that might be shocking for you to read. I mean, I’m a pastor’s wife and probably have it all together in my faith-life, right??  

The turn of the New Year was extremely difficult for me. As everyone else appeared to be celebrating and happy, I was sad and mad. 2019 was amazing in so many miraculous ways but it was also one of the most difficult and painful years of my life. 

The details probably don’t matter… but basically every single area of our life has been under intense attack this year. Battles with our kids, church leadership struggles, walking through David’s amnesia (link to One Thing Remains book), big life-changing decisions… it’s been a lot. Trials have overlapped and have seemed to never-ever end. It’s felt like too much at times. I’m sure you can relate. 

I found myself exhausted, running out of hope that the burdens would ever lift – and even mad.

Now – I KNOW the truth, I know God is Sovereign and works all things for good, I know this world is not our home and His grace is sufficient! 

But just like the Psalmist talked openly with God about his daily troubles, I had a very raw conversation with Him on New Year’s Day. And I love that God can take it. He doesn’t want me to have it all together before I approach Him. I don’t have to be perfect and happy every time I pray. That’s no real relationship. An intimate friend sees the good, bad and ugly – and loves me the same. 

I find great encouragement in Matthew 11:28-30, where Jesus invites us to, 

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Two things I get from these verses are:

1. The words “weary and heavy-laden” actually mean exhausted from toil, over-burdened, weighed down. Jesus gets that at times we feel worked to death and at the end of us. He knows and sympathizes with our weakness, and invites us to Him to be renewed and transformed. 

1. He exchanges our “ick” for rest, if we just bring it to Him. In fact, the word “rest” means permission to cease from labor to recover, refresh and collect one’s strength. The key is we must do the first thing mentioned in the verse – we must “come.” Come just as we are – worn out, mad, frustrated. Come without hesitation the only One who can give us the best exchange ever! 

I’m so grateful that God holds me and lets me cry out before Him. Cause you know what?!?! In pouring out my heart and being real and raw today, He touched me. He exchanged my anxiety for His peace. He calmed my restless soul and started to birth a tiny spark of hope. I was given grace to trust instead of be angry. He turned me around- in part because I came to Him just as I am.